Home on the Range

Shand feels his brow knit as he watches her struggle, hears the pain and the breaking in her voice. He can’t help but reach up and tenderly brush some hair out of her face, trace over her hairline a little.

“Luna, I️.”

The words choke in his throat and he swallows, knows that his difficulty getting this out is only making it unnecessarily hard for her.

“Listen. I️ didn’t fall in love with you because I wanted a housewife or a mother for children. I️ fell in love with you because... well, because I️ couldn’t help myself. Because you’re wonderful and beautiful and perfect.”

He takes a deep breath, feels her body rise with his chest, reminding him how right it feels to be with her, to have her pressed close to him.

“Everything you are, just. That’s all I️ want. When I️ talk about forever, I️ mean I️ just want you. You and me, like this. Close, looking at stars.”

He manages a small smile despite the seriousness of the topic. His hands won’t stay still and keep gently tousling at her hair, curling the ends of it affectionately around his fingers.

“When I️ first saw you, I️ just. It was like a light went off in my head. Like I️ woke up or something. And everything since then has been, Ive been so alive. And its because of you. That’s all I️ need.”

"No, Shand, you listen."

She shifts herself so she's sitting up off of him now, hands pressed into the blanket by his sides to keep her propped up, frowning down at him.

"I know. I know I'm basically unfit to be wed to a single living soul ever. That has been made clear to me and I am well aware of it myself now. But... Especially unfit to marry you. You deserve all the sweetness and tender love a normal capable woman can give you. All the things that society says a man should want and have, kids running around as he sits down for dinner, you deserve all of that, and I can't give any of it to you."

Her hand gradually trails up without much conscious thought on her part, resting over his chest, feeling the rise and fall of it. It's calm, everything about him is peaceful, or at least brings her the deepest peace imaginable, one that every inch of her drinks in. She wants to soak it up every day from now until forever and never go a second without this feeling.

"I'm just... I'm a thief, really. I'm selfishly stealing time away from you, time you could give to the woman who could actually give it all to you. I'm keeping you from her and that's wrong of me. I've just been too afraid to let you go because no one has ever made me feel as safe and happy, loved through every second of every day, like you have. And I know deep down no one ever will either. But that doesn't mean I should keep your future to myself like this, not when it isn't what's best for you or even what you may want."

But she knows she can't. Not if she truly loves him like she says. He deserves all the comforts of the world and then some, all the things society says a man should have. If there was ever anyone who should have it, it would be him.

She starts tracing circles into the fabric of his shirt, keeping her eyes down from his face, concentrating on what she's doing even though she doesn't need to. God, why is he arguing this? Doesn't he see how difficult this is for her? Then again, she hopes not. She doesn't want to make this anymore awkward for him. It's a catch between her love for him and selfishly wanting all his love for herself.

"You. Don't have to spare my feelings, I'll be okay. I just want you to be happy ten, twenty... Fifty years from now. To have a full life and not have to wonder what could have been."